I've arrived in DC and I'm having some serious doubts about doing this at all. I'm sorry if that is disappointing to many of you, and I'd really appreciate if no one responded to this post with "you can do it!" or "You don't even know how great it's going to be" or any other encouraging words since you're not the ones staring down two years in Azerbaijan.
The fact is I don't know why I'm doing this, and being confronted with 30-odd super-peppy people who know exactly why they're doing it and Can't Wait for it to get started makes that even more apparent. When I applied for Peace Corps I was 25, just out of college with no idea what to do with my life and, frankly, pretty discontent with the way things were. Now I'm 27, convinced I want to write even if I'm never successful at it, and genuinely happy for the first time in a long time. I love my job, my friends, having my family so close, and of course that complication who shalt go by the name of Spider is no small factor in my current happiness.
I know if I don't go many people who think I am cowardly. Others will think I am only doing it because I'm in love. Others will say I wasted an opportunity they would have killed for when they were younger/less attached/able to travel.
It's my life though. I can't justify wasting two years of it if I'm going to be miserable the whole time and wishing I was writing more or working somewhere I could use my Arabic skills or just at home with Spider. I've been fortunate enough to spend time traveling and living abroad. I know what it entails and how it can be both stressful and very, very rewarding. I just don't know that I want to put myself through it again, especially for so long. (Because "travel" is very different than "living somewhere and learning a new language for 2 years.") I need to have a goal that is served by this to justify the amount of stress and work and being unhappy and I just don't.
I'm sorry if this is a terribly negative thing to read. I haven't decided anything for sure, but I want to be honest about the way I'm feeling and right now I just don't think I'm doing this for the right reasons. Perhaps staging will change my mind. I hope you will all forgive me if it doesn't.
The fact is I don't know why I'm doing this, and being confronted with 30-odd super-peppy people who know exactly why they're doing it and Can't Wait for it to get started makes that even more apparent. When I applied for Peace Corps I was 25, just out of college with no idea what to do with my life and, frankly, pretty discontent with the way things were. Now I'm 27, convinced I want to write even if I'm never successful at it, and genuinely happy for the first time in a long time. I love my job, my friends, having my family so close, and of course that complication who shalt go by the name of Spider is no small factor in my current happiness.
I know if I don't go many people who think I am cowardly. Others will think I am only doing it because I'm in love. Others will say I wasted an opportunity they would have killed for when they were younger/less attached/able to travel.
It's my life though. I can't justify wasting two years of it if I'm going to be miserable the whole time and wishing I was writing more or working somewhere I could use my Arabic skills or just at home with Spider. I've been fortunate enough to spend time traveling and living abroad. I know what it entails and how it can be both stressful and very, very rewarding. I just don't know that I want to put myself through it again, especially for so long. (Because "travel" is very different than "living somewhere and learning a new language for 2 years.") I need to have a goal that is served by this to justify the amount of stress and work and being unhappy and I just don't.
I'm sorry if this is a terribly negative thing to read. I haven't decided anything for sure, but I want to be honest about the way I'm feeling and right now I just don't think I'm doing this for the right reasons. Perhaps staging will change my mind. I hope you will all forgive me if it doesn't.
Whatever you choose will be correct Kelsey. Life's a journey as you well know. Your journey, no one else. A choice you make will come from a thoughtful introspective place, well reasoned. Everyone who knows and loves you will understand. And what's wrong with love being a reason?
ReplyDeleteI'll be honest, Kelsey. I don't know why you want(ed) to go into the Peace Corps. I don't know why anybody wants to. I mean, I can understand that a person might love to see the world and a person might love helping other people, and maybe a person would want to do both simultaneously. But I can't empathize because that is not something for me. I don't even enjoy research travel, like living in an expenses-paid apartment in Geneva for a month while I conduct my CERN business. Don't get me wrong - I honestly have fun there when I'm not overcome by crippling agoraphobia and self-loathing. But it is certainly not something I'd actively seek out if it wasn't already falling into my lap. I prefer control, comfort, and familiarity.
ReplyDeleteSo why do I go at all? Well, I think I can best explain that by describing why travel tends to make me miserable at times. When I'm visiting some unfamiliar place and need/want to go somewhere new (e.g. to take a tram in to explore the city), a strong anxiety comes over me that holds me back. Now, the anxiety itself doesn't make me miserable (I don't enjoy it by any means, but it doesn't make me miserable). If I were the kind of person that was content to stay in and play video games all the time, I'd be happy as a clam in those situations. No, the misery and loathing set in because I feel like I'm wasting a great opportunity. Perhaps a walk in the city will be beautiful and relaxing and full of tasty opportunities. If it is, then rational me doesn't want to miss it. "And," rational me adds, "if it sucks out there, I can just turn around and come home, and all I've lost is a little bit of time."
Sometimes I beat the anxiety and go out, and sometimes I don't. Sometimes (most of the time) I have a good time out and about, and sometimes I don't. But I always feel so much worse when I have the opportunity and don't take it, than when I take the opportunity and don't enjoy it.
Perhaps you can see the parallel I am trying to draw. I don't know if it applies in your case. Once there, do you have the option to quit after a month or two if it isn't something you want? Or are the next two years of your life locked in by this choice? If you would be forced to serve out your sentence, well, you probably know how I would choose (says the guy who would never want to do something like this in the first place). But if you are able to change your mind once you get there, then you have little to lose from giving it a go, and potentially much to lose from staying (see previous discussion of regret).
I'm not saying you should go to Azerbaijan. Honestly, I don't want you to go to Azerbaijan (I want one of my best Seattle friends to be there whenever I come home to visit). But nor do I want you to live with the self-loathing I live with when I feel like I had an opportunity and wasted it. If you don't think you'll have regrets like that, then by all means stay.
Kelsey,
ReplyDeleteYour doubts are valid and this is the perfect time to revisit them. On one hand, the uber-excited, purposeful folks in staging may be sure of themselves, but nobody really knows what it's going to be like and many of you will be making lots of adjustments to your expectations and plans. Sometimes every day.
Second, this is only one of many factors in making this decision, but please know that if you want to write, my GAWD, Peace Corps is the place to do it. Both material and time will be so abundant you won't know what to do with yourself.
One other thing: there is no age limit in Peace Corps. Anyone can join anytime.
Well, not anyone. But you know what I mean. =)
ReplyDeleteil faut - viens ici.
ReplyDeleteyou're always gonna be a badass in my book whatever you do. that is all. good luck with whatever you decide. :)
I'm sure your doubts are all too familiar to the many PCVs who have come before you. Heck, the fact that you made it this far without backing out is already pretty damn impressive.
ReplyDeleteI've considered applying for the Peace Corps probably more times than I can count on one hand. And those are the times when I was actually seriously considering it. I filled out a good chunk of the application once, even put in references and had people fill out those forms. But I never submitted it.
Every time I think about joining the Peace Corps, I get stuck at the personal dilemma you're facing now. Would I really want to leave my family and friends and job and x other great things in my life for a 2+ year commitment in a place where I probably don't speak the language? Even when I'm feeling lost and confused, I can't quite do it.
I haven't gone through with it, so I can't say anything about getting over this feeling, figuring out that it is worth it, or anything like that. And even if I had, everyone has a different experience. What might be an amazing, life changing experience for one person could be a miserable waste of time for another.
But I understand your sentiment. I'm wrestling right now with the idea of looking for jobs abroad. Two months ago that seemed totally reasonable. Now I'm not so sure. Parts of it would be great - but what would I be leaving behind? What opportunities would I miss?
But I think, if I was in your position right now, I'd go with it, at least for now. Who knows? Maybe the eager beavers in your group will get there, have their expectations dashed to pieces, and be miserable, while you, the cool experienced traveller, arrive with minimal expectations and make the best of it in a way that you really can't do when you're looking for something in particular.
But however it goes, whatever you decide, I'm impressed. I'm sure whatever conclusion you come to will be well thought out, and if you ultimately decide to leave early, it will be because that was the best course of action for you. But don't frame it as giving up or cowardly. It would actually be pretty brave, I think, to get to that point, and instead of spending two years in a position you are unhappy with, to recognize early on that it's not right and decide to leave it behind. Too often people stick with things (jobs, relationships, pursuit of higher education, etc.) that aren't going anywhere and make them miserable and then wake up years later and wonder why they did that. So if you think that's the position you'll be in, get out. No point in forcing yourself through it.
Good luck with your big decision. Whatever you decide - it will be right.
Kels, You are making the right choice, and the
ReplyDeleteonly one's opinion that matters is yours. Everyone on this blog and on FB with you LOVES YOU and will support you no matter what, YES it is your life, and every moment is precious, so live it fully in harmony and peace which you will always know if you listen to your inner self.
Good decision, in my mind. Love you.