I've been hearing a variation on the same refrain for months now. "You're coming out of your shell", "You seem happier/more confident/prettier/more like yourself", etc etc. And I have been doing very well lately. It's not a particularly big secret about why but I'll leave details off of the internet. It has led to a number of other similar-sounding concerns about What Happens When You Leave.
Because Peace Corps is a great option when you don't know what should come next or when you're not happy with where you are. And for the first time in a long time, (maybe ever,) I don't have either of those problems. I know what I want. And I'm very happy with the way things are.
This can applied to most aspects of my life. I know, (at least in my brain if not in the more emotional parts of me,) that most of it would not seem so rose-colored if I weren't getting ready to walk away from it all. People don't hold back with kindness or affection when they know you've only got a short time left. I have never in my life felt as loved as I have in the time since I accepted this assignment. My friends, family and co-workers have been so supportive that I don't even understand it most of the time. It doesn't make it easier to think about leaving them.
Other things seem better, too. Though I love my job, it doesn't pay well enough to be a long-term career. But lately it seems like the Best and Most Fulfilling thing I could be doing. Writing, editing and attempting to get published are a grind, a constant struggle that made me crazy at times. Now that I'm going away it feels like all it would take for me to end up the next Neil Gaiman would be to stay in America with my mentor and keep at it.
I know that much of this is because I am leaving. If I were not, I would surely be at least a little more discontent. But the idea of letting go of the good things doesn't make me want them any less right now. It IS going to be a crushing thing, leaving all of you, leaving my life in America and moving to a place where I don't know anyone or speak the language. I will be heartbroken, and sad, and scared, and I will at times wish I had not gone.
But I will go. And the most difficult days will be made easier because of the last few months, and the happy memories I have with you all. Yes, life is very good right now. It's going to be hard to leave it behind. In my experience the hard things are still worth doing. And I don't think life has enough pleasure in it to justify limiting happiness now to spare heartache later. So I will keep enjoying these days, knowing they are made brighter by their approaching end. Peace Corps will surely have good things, too. I will have adventures and make friends and probably find that much of the work, no matter how hard or frustrating, is still worth doing. I can't say I'm looking forward to it, exactly, but I'm certainly not dreading it. I suppose this was intended to draw to a close in some significant way, but all I can say is that at least now, ten weeks out, I'm happier than I can remember being before. I can't worry too much about what happens next.
Because Peace Corps is a great option when you don't know what should come next or when you're not happy with where you are. And for the first time in a long time, (maybe ever,) I don't have either of those problems. I know what I want. And I'm very happy with the way things are.
This can applied to most aspects of my life. I know, (at least in my brain if not in the more emotional parts of me,) that most of it would not seem so rose-colored if I weren't getting ready to walk away from it all. People don't hold back with kindness or affection when they know you've only got a short time left. I have never in my life felt as loved as I have in the time since I accepted this assignment. My friends, family and co-workers have been so supportive that I don't even understand it most of the time. It doesn't make it easier to think about leaving them.
Other things seem better, too. Though I love my job, it doesn't pay well enough to be a long-term career. But lately it seems like the Best and Most Fulfilling thing I could be doing. Writing, editing and attempting to get published are a grind, a constant struggle that made me crazy at times. Now that I'm going away it feels like all it would take for me to end up the next Neil Gaiman would be to stay in America with my mentor and keep at it.
I know that much of this is because I am leaving. If I were not, I would surely be at least a little more discontent. But the idea of letting go of the good things doesn't make me want them any less right now. It IS going to be a crushing thing, leaving all of you, leaving my life in America and moving to a place where I don't know anyone or speak the language. I will be heartbroken, and sad, and scared, and I will at times wish I had not gone.
But I will go. And the most difficult days will be made easier because of the last few months, and the happy memories I have with you all. Yes, life is very good right now. It's going to be hard to leave it behind. In my experience the hard things are still worth doing. And I don't think life has enough pleasure in it to justify limiting happiness now to spare heartache later. So I will keep enjoying these days, knowing they are made brighter by their approaching end. Peace Corps will surely have good things, too. I will have adventures and make friends and probably find that much of the work, no matter how hard or frustrating, is still worth doing. I can't say I'm looking forward to it, exactly, but I'm certainly not dreading it. I suppose this was intended to draw to a close in some significant way, but all I can say is that at least now, ten weeks out, I'm happier than I can remember being before. I can't worry too much about what happens next.
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